Nannys funeral!!

Today, I attended my nannys funeral!! I'll be honest, I really don't know how I'm feeling! My stomach is in knots! It was a nice service, and I was getting through it okay, until they mentioned my mum! Thats when the tears started to well! Its occasions like this that old emotions come flying back, emotions you've tried to suppress! Its amazing how you never get over a loss, you just learn to suppress it!! I still feel the shock of losing Grandad like it was yesterday.

My mum is another classic example. I have no memory of her. Its weird how you can greive for someone, you can't remember, I think its a grief for what I missed out on.

You know, I was thinking yesterday, what would I do and say if I was to meet Mum, Nanny and Grandad, one more time. With Nanny and Grandad, I'd probably pull them both into the biggest hug, and never want to let them go! But mum, I don't know!! Would I laugh, cry, stand there in shock...... Who knows!!??!!

Anyway, now I've vented, I'm gonna go and watch hollyoaks......

Before I go, as a teenager I had the biggest crush on Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys, and no-one ever understood why!! I have to admit neither did I, and I STILL have such a crush on this man, WHY?!! This is why!!! Just recently I found this picture of him and its quite recent.... I always knew there was a stud in there trying to get out, this is why I class him as a BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!!

Hummunna Hummmuna Grrrr!!

Till next time!!!

xx

Music and Drama!!!

Hi everybody!!

i'm back for another blogging session! Now recently I haven't been to happy. For the last ten to fifteen years I've suffered and dealt with depression on and off. And just recently I've been on another downer. I've been doing alot of soul searching to try and figure out why! At first I thought it was down to the time of year. With crimbo approaching, it's a sore reminder of the mother I lost. Also, it was a year ago, last Friday that I lost a much loved grandfather. After much soul searching, I've come to realise that this is not wots causing me to be on such a downer. I deal with this pretty much every year, but I pick myself up, wipe myself down, put on the war paint, lift my head up high, and face the world. Last year when grandad died it brought back alot of memories from conversations we'd had. One of those conversations, he made me promise to 'chase the stars, cos u never know, u might actually catch one'. One of my most prominent memories of him, was him singing. God, did he love to sing. In church, in the garden, in his armchair, whilst Nanny was practising on the organ. That was a passion I inherited. If there is one thing that can make me happy to the point I can feel like I'm flying and thats singing!! When I was younger, performing was everything to me. I sang, I played insruments (reading music was something that I picked up instantly), and I acted. I did almost every school play, I could get into. I remember the first time i was on stage. I was at playgroup, and i was in a fifteen minute production on "The Giant Turnip." I was the turnip! LOL!!

Whilst remembering this a few days ago, I realised why I'd been so unhappy. Somewhere in the last few years, I've lost who I am. At the moment, I live, breathe and bleed Boots, and thats not me!!! My life consists of work, and the occasional night out on the razz!!

At the beginning of the year, I decided to try to get my natural hair colour back, cos I figured it was time i looked a bit more conservative and grew up. But thats not me!!! Grandad never grew up, even in his nineties, I remember him behaving like a kid.

I'm the girl who likes to stand apart from the crowd. I LOVE being centre of attention. Music and drama, thats me!!! I promised my Grandad, I would always sing, so thats what I'm gonna do. I've gone back to the red hair! I'm gonna start playing my instruments again! In the new year, I'm gonna take up dance class. I'm also gonna find a way to get back into the acting!! As for the singing, I'm gonna look about, and see if I can join a band or a choir. My new years resolution is to bring back the Catherine of old. The Catherine you all knew and loved is making a comeback. Work is not going to be my first priority anymore! Because lets face it, its only a way to bring in a wage. Life is too short not to treat my passions as first priority!!!

Watch this space....

xxx

Ten years and the meaning of life!

Ok, I'm gonna go all sentimental and pylisophical now!!

Where do you see yourselves in 10 years? Its amazing how much someones life can change in ten years. Because when you look at the grand scheme of things, ten years isn't that long. Take me for example. Ten years ago, I was fourteen years old. I was still at school. I'd just left attleborough high and had just started at Wymondham High. I was starting to sink into depression at the time. I wasn't eating properly due to fact I beleived myself to be fat (even though I wasn't). I was stupidly skinny at the time. And I'd not long become an aunt.

Nowadays my life is completly different. I'm now 24. I'm not depressed at all. I have my moments, but generally I'm quite happy. I have a job that I enjoy, hundreds of friends, and although I still beleive myself to be slightly fat, it's not to the extreeme I'd starve myself. And since my curves have come in, I look a hell of a lot healthier than I did back then.

All this makes ya think, where will I be in ten years time!!!!

Also, wot do ya think is the meaning of life!!! Now, I've heard a couple of my mates say, that the meaning of life is to die, because it's the only thing thats guaranteed in life. I don't beleive thats true. How morbid, to live life, thinking, "the only reason I'm here, is to die." Now if you look at the whole of mankind, past, present and future. How far back mankind have been on this earth, and how long into the future we'll probably be here. If you look at it like that, my life, for example, is just a pinprick on the whole of mankind. The amount of time I'll be here is litrally a pinprick. So why spend that tiny proportion of time, thinking that you're only here to die. Everybody here for their own specific reason. But as a whole I beleive the meaning of life isn't to die, but to live. Let me be a bit more specific. The meaning of life is to smile, laugh, live your dreams, enjoy a sunset, and just generally to enjoy. It is so true when people say that life is short, because it is. It's just a pinprick. So why waste that pinprick, being unhappy, moaning, and not enjoying the life you've been given.

So I'd like to finish by just stating that-

THE MEANING OF LIFE, IS NOT TO DIE, BUT TO LIVE.

Till next time......

xxx

OMG!!!

I seriously need to lose some weight!!!! I'm now at the fat end of a size 16!! My knees are getting painful because of it.

So my plan........

As soon as I come back from magaleuf, I join slimming world, I cut out chocolate and alcohol. And I do more walking!!!! I've decided its pointless to diet before I go away, cos the minute I go abroad I'll put it all back on!!

My plan is to get back into a size 14. I look at my best, and feel at my best in a size 14. I'm feeling so unbeleivably fat and horrid at the moment, so I'm gonna do something about it!!

I'll keep you updated!!!

xx

11 Days to go!!!

Eleven days till what I hear you ask!!! That would be my holiday!!! Woo Hoo!! Magaleuf, here I come!!!!

I went to venture this week to get some pictures taken. Last time, I posed for some official pictures was at school. I left school 8 yrs ago, so I think they're long overdue. I went to venture cos they don't do traditional posed photos, which is good cos I don't pose well. The best photos of me are when I don't know its gonna be taken. All the way through the photoshoot the photographer was chatting to me so she got some really natural shots of me smiling and laughing. So they should come out really well.

I spent two days training on healthcare, at work, this week. I really enjoyed it. I must admit to start with, it was a bit scary cos I've never done healthcare before. But now, I think once I know the info, I'll really enjoy it.

Anyway thats the update for this week!!

Until next time......

xx

An Introduction to me!!

Hi!! My name is Catherine! I'm 24 years old!! This is just my opportunity to tell you about me. I'm the middle child of three. I have an older brother by the name of Nigel. He's married to Alison and has three beautiful children, Robert, Victoria and Alisha. And lets not forget his dogs, Gizzy (a Yorkshire terrier) and Billy (a west highland terrier). I have a younger sister, Madeleine, who's eleven years old. She's my Dads daughter to his 2nd marriage which makes her my half sister. Obviously there's my Dad. He works on the railway. My mother is Gillian. She unfortunately passed away away when I was young, due to Cancer. Then there's my step-mum, Christine. Now, me and Christine have had our differences, but over the years, we've both made an effort, and I can honestly say we do get on nowadays. I will always be grateful to her, for making my dad smile again. I also have grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins galore. All of which, shall get a mention at some point, I'm sure.

About me, I work at Boots. At Boots, I am a training coordinator, a red carpet facilitator, and a sales assistant. In my spare time, I enjoy going to the cinema, eating out, going dancing, karaoke, all sorts really.

Now on to my dreams!!! I have many dreams, some realistic, some not so much. Lets start with the realistic ones. I dream of being a mum, I dream of having that happy family unit, that I've craved for so many years. I dream that one all my family will get along with each other and stop arguing about things, that in the grand scheme of things, really don't matter. Life is far to short!! My family should realise that more than anyone. Myself and my brother are living proof. We grew up motherless, because she was taken from us at the tender age of 26.

Anyway, I'm starting to get all deep and stuff.... back to my dreams. The not so realistic ones. I dream of being a singer and actress. I wanna be at the West End. I CAN DREAM!!

Lets move on to my fears. Lets see..... wot am I scared of? Spiders, blood, needles, feet (weird I know), escalators, dying young, losing people I love, my depression coming back, and the worst one, being alone.

Anyway, that's a little about me!!

Until next time....

Lots of love

xx